Fighting For Each Other or Fighting Each Other?

Fighting For Each Other or Fighting Each Other?

We’re in our intimate relationship for a reason.  Hopefully reasons.  And despite all the amazing reasons.…sometimes we need to take a step back to be sure we’re really fighting for each other and not accidentally fighting each other.

I believe in love, both personally and professionally, and sincerely believe that there are SO many reasons we should fight to make our relationships work.  (Side note: I also think that there are some reasons not to fight to make relationships work…but I digress).

What Motivates You In Love?

What Motivates You In Love?

I was listening to sports radio during my drive in the other day and the discussion was on maintaining motivation.  I am truly fascinated by sports (some would say fanatical) because the idea of someone dedicating their whole lives to perfecting a talent is amazing to me.  It takes a special kind of person to sacrifice the way athletes do. Yes, there are big pay offs, but there are also tremendous sacrifices made along the way.  And in order to justify the sacrifices, you not only need dedication to your craft, but you also need an ability to stay intensely motivated.

 Or you’ll simply fall flat.

I Need You To See Me

I Need You To See Me

My toddlers are quickly becoming kids and will be starting Kindergarten this Fall. It’s truly hard for me to believe that they’ve grown so quickly and to realize the little people that they’re becoming in the world.

Their independence is fierce and their desire to figure things out on their own is becoming more and more hardwired.  I often find myself sitting on the sidelines, waiting for them to ask for help versus jumping in and doing like I did in those early years.

The Gap Between Our Ideal Marriage And Our Actual Marriage.

The Gap Between Our Ideal Marriage And Our Actual Marriage.

Social media is a phenomenon that I find endlessly fascinating.  It’s amazing the “version” of your friend’s relationship you can buy into if you’re only going off their Instagram pics.  It can create this growing pressure to put out your own polished version of love and while also rattling your confidence in your real relationship.

 

You see, when you look around, people are usually sharing examples of ideal relationships, not what they really look like behind closed doors. Whether it’s social media, movies or your own internal expectations, there can often be a gap between your ideal marriage and your actual one.

Peak to Peak Principle

Peak to Peak Principle

Picture yourself standing on one peak and being able to easily see the other peak in the distance. Now begin making your way from one peak to the other.  As you dip into the valley, you begin to lose sight of the peak you’re heading towards.  As you descend, the fog thickens, the trees become taller and denser. You try your best, but despite all you’re looking up, you can hardly see the peak you’re walking to any longer.  You begin to feel defeated and slow your pace, wondering if you’re even going the right direction.  You begin to doubt yourself and even wander off course.  Eventually you decide to just sit and wait for the rescue party, because it’s not worth trying on your own.  You’ve completely lost perspective of where you needed to be headed.

 

Are You Making Decisions Based On Your Past Or Present?

Are You Making Decisions Based On Your Past Or Present?

I’ve been diving into all sorts of different learning these past few months and challenging myself to learn from other helpers and healers, not just other therapists.  In order to be the most dynamic helper to the folks I work with, I feel it’s my role to also challenge myself to hear other voices and perspectives, especially when it comes to all things love.

 

I was watching a webinar by a woman who does energy healing through flower essences…(told you I was expanding my learning)….and she was sharing about this continual pattern we get stuck in of making decisions based on the past, not the present. 

What If We’re Just Broken Together?

What If We’re Just Broken Together?

There’s this beautiful song by Casting Crowns, Broken Together, that I can’t stop listening to.  There’s so many messages in the song, but the one I can’t shake is this beautiful message of being able to last forever because we’re broken together.

 

Holy powerful song folks (I linked it at the bottom).

 

I believe that we live in a culture that glorifies wholeness to a fault.  It leads you to believe that the only way things last, is if they’re perfect.  That damage, pain, betrayal, injury are things that you can’t ever heal in love. 

 

Are You Free Of Clutter In Love?

Are You Free Of Clutter In Love?

Spring is in the air and it’s that fun time of year when I start to go through closets and drawers to create some extra breathing room. I’m a big believer in getting rid of the old in order to allow space for the new to come into your life.  And with my home and office being “lightened” of stuff, it makes me think about all of the areas of life we hang onto things.  Can we be cluttered in love?

If Something Is No Longer Serving You In Love......Why Do You Keep Doing It?

If Something Is No Longer Serving You In Love......Why Do You Keep Doing It?

Love is a crazy thing. I’ve been doing this work for over a decade and I’m still fascinated, intrigued and inspired by it.  At times love can feel so simple and clear while the next it feels confusing and scary.  Love pushes us to be honest, to be vulnerable, to be intimate, to forgive and to self-reflect.  And friends, that’s not always the easiest thing.

 

One of the more intriguing things in love is this habit you get into of continuing a pattern or behavior, long after it’s served it’s purpose.  Couples share with me all the time in my Sacramento therapy office about so desperately wanting things to be different, to change, to grow, but are so unsure or defeated of how to get it to change.

Does Anger Make You Dependent On Others?

Does Anger Make You Dependent On Others?

Anger is truly a dynamic feeling. It’s one of those feelings that you’re regularly denying exists, stuffing it down til it boils over or struggling to let go.

 

What’s so fascinating about anger is the longer you hold onto it, the more dependent you become on the other person, and not in a good way.

 

Let me expand on this for a second. 

Mud On The Tires

Mud On The Tires

I grew up in a small farming town in California and my Dad used to always say “Never trust a farmer with clean boots”.  His theory was real work means we’re gettin’ a little muddy.

               

With that being said, it isn’t surprising that I married a hard working boy from Northern Idaho or that country music makes me nostalgic for home.  Or that the site of muddy boots always makes me smile.  

I Want The Kind Of Relationship That Makes My Kids Want To Fall In Love.

I Want The Kind Of Relationship That Makes My Kids Want To Fall In Love.

After hearing a friend talk the other day about the ups and downs of relationships and how having kids intensifies both the good and bad in our love relationships, I started thinking about my own marriage and what I want my kids to see and experience since they’re truly tiny observers of my husband and I’s relationship.

                              

We all know that children are sponges and soak up what we say and do, even when we’re not meaning for them to be lurking in the corners of the room.  As parents, we have a great responsibility to be models to our kids for what love should look like.  We also carry the responsibility of finding a way to interact in a healthy and respectful manner even if you’ve decided to part ways.

Let It Be About Each Other.

Let It Be About Each Other.

Valentines is fast approaching and I feel like it’s one of our most controversial holidays….well besides whether the day after Super Bowl should be a National Holiday, but that’s a debate for another blog post.

 

Celebrating Valentine’s Day feels like it has become polarizing because of this expectation for it to be a big to-do with grand gestures while potentially neglecting the importance of small but consistent acts of love throughout the year.

How To Rock Couples Therapy

How To Rock Couples Therapy

So in an effort to help, I’ve put together a list on the best ways to rock couple’s therapy and make some real change happen in love.

If you’re thinking about couple’s therapy in Sacramento and are ready to make some real changes in your relationship, here are some tools to use to get the most out of it.

1.    Be Up For The Challenge- some couples come in really skeptical and reluctant.  And I get that, it’s really overwhelming to reach out for support and allow a stranger (aka therapist) into your relationship.  Coming into therapy with an open mind and willingness to dig in and do the work is going to make it a really successful experience.

What’s Your Relationship Word?

What’s Your Relationship Word?

In doing this exercise, I realized that my professional words for 2016 are the same as my personal.  Because in my marriage, I want to practice abundance.  I want to find the good, even when I’m in a sour mood. I want to slow down and show gratitude.  I want to focus on abundance because I want to be intentional about creating a large amount of love and joy around me.

The Biggest Secret To Success in Love

The Biggest Secret To Success in Love

Because when I learned this one, it absolutely changed the way that I looked at, experienced and showed up in love. 

It’s the power of being a great apologizer and a great forgiver.  Now by no means am I saying this is something I excel at in every given moment in my relationship. But it created an incredible shift for me once I realized how valuable these two traits were.

At Least I Can Say That I've Tried

At Least I Can Say That I've Tried

The thing that grips me with “Hello” is the intensity of not just her words, but the pain you can feel in her voice.  The longing.  The regret.

 

At least I can say that I’ve tried….to tell you I’m sorry for breaking your heart.

 

Because loss and regret are like that.  It leaves us so wanting.  It makes us want to at least say we tried.  Even if trying means we can’t erase the pain.

 

I know Adele’s song speaks to so much loss, but I really feel that the emotion she shares can also help in healing the love we still share with someone.

Are You Suffering From The HYPE This Season?

Are You Suffering From The HYPE This Season?

But not buying into the HYPE is really a year round battle.  I realize that the holiday season can be more intense to resist the HYPE, but it’s always around.  We’re constantly having to work to shift the focus to the right stuff.

Because the HYPE actually disconnects us.  

You see the most successful we can be in love is when we’re focused on prioritizing the right things.  Quality time, patience, laughter, sex, kindness, adventures. You know, the right stuff.

Are You Grading On A Curve In Love?

Are You Grading On A Curve In Love?

Grading on a curve allows us to justify our negative behavior and actions because our mate isn’t showing up the way we expect them to.  Lowering our bar on our own choices impacts our relationship more than we may realize.  It starts a steady decline that we need to pull out of quickly.

Buckling Up In love: Are You Practicing Good Seat Belt Safety?

Buckling Up In love: Are You Practicing Good Seat Belt Safety?

I mean an unfastened seat belt does nothing for you.  And lord knows, racing to buckle up mid-crash doesn’t do anything to minimize the injury. 

 

So with that logic, I have to ask if you’re practicing seat belt safety in love? Are you putting on the seat belt mid-crash or did you secure your belt well before you started the journey?