What's Driving Your Conflict?

 

What's Driving Your Conflict?

Being stuck is probably one of the most common themes that appears in couple’s therapy.  And I’m not just talking about any sort of stuck.  I’m talking about the deep in the mud, tires spinning, someone call the tow truck, there is no way we’re getting out of here stuck. 

The really interesting thing is, the conflict that couples typically get stuck in isn’t even the real issue.  Stuck in miserable conflict that is a complete distraction from the real issues in the relationship. Sounds crazy, right? 

 But really, it’s not the root of the issue couples typically fight about, it’s the surface stuff.  You know, the noise. It's the why didn't you, how come you never, why don’t you ever, how come you don’t, if only you did, sort of noise.

And honestly, how can you not get stuck here?  It’s seems like pretty meaty parts to the relationship!  But arguing in the noise is not where movement happens.  What if I told you that concentrating solely on the noise, the surface stuff, will only keep you more stuck?  Scary, right?

I mean, identifying what is driving the conflict is really scary!  But it’s also the clearest way to really start making positive movement in your relationship.

So, how do you dive below the noise and identify what's driving the conflict?

Well, first you have to slow down the dialogue so that you can look underneath the argument you’re having over and over again to explore more about what’s really going on.  It’s really identifying the core feelings that are getting triggered when the symptoms or the noise happens.    

  • Is it fear that you’re all alone even though your partner says they’re there?
  • Is it uncertainty that you're calling for your mate and not sure if they will respond?
  • Is it sadness that your relationship has become deprioritized and you don’t know how to get it back on track?

Because if we are really being honest, and you really slow down and look, it's not about the noise.  It's deeper than that and the more you stay in the symptoms the more likely you are to stay stuck. 

So I want to hear from you!  I want to know more about what’s driving the conflict in your relationship? What’s below the surface and not really being discussed? How are you getting stuck in the noise?  How can you begin to make real movement?

I want to know what this journey is like for you.

Send your feedback to annaosbornmft@gmail.com and or visit www.annaosbornmft.com to subscribe to my blog and receive weekly tips, tools and info on all things relationships!

Yours,

A