Let’s talk about sex!
“If you don’t laugh at least once during sex, than you’re having sex with the wrong person”. I read this quote the other day and as a couples therapist (and a married person myself) I just loved it.
I loved it because it’s true and also because I feel like it takes some of the movie-like expectations out of sex. We all know what sex looks like in the movies, right? You know, excitingly passionate, flawlessly choreographed, and completely spontaneous. But that’s just the movies.
In real life, sex doesn’t always look like that. Sex and physical intimacy takes work…and communication….and connection in order for it to be great. We know that safe emotional connection creates great sex, and we also know that great sex deepens emotional connection, so the key is figuring out how to create that positive loop in our relationship.
In order to do that, we need to understand how important physical intimacy is in our relationships. I think that often times couples can deprioritize the importance of their physical relationship, especially if busy schedules, demands on time and managing kids has changed the way the couple connects physically.
If we all agree that sex is the most intimate play we have with our mate and that it can be a safe adventure when we navigate it together, then we can move towards better prioritizing the importance of conversations and action around sex.
So how do we start these conversations, especially if the sexual relationship with our mate has changed over time?
First, start slow. Start with having conversations about times that sex was really great. What did you like about it? What was arousing? What made it special? Don’t place unrealistic movie-like expectations on your sexual relationship.
Next, start talking about ways you want to reignite your sex life. Given that there’s a safe emotional connection you can start to explore these areas with your mate and not fear judgment or criticism. Don’t be afraid if you’re a bit rusty and it feels awkward, this is all part of the road to increasing physical intimacy.
Take foreplay and desire out of the bedroom. If sex and desire are only quarantined to the bedroom, you lose opportunities to create physical connection with one another throughout the day. Allow for touching, hugging, kissing, sitting close to one another. All these things help to repair a sexual relationship that has been neglected.
Lastly, have fun and don’t forget to laugh. The more you play together, the more you become comfortable with your sexual relationship. If you take it too seriously, you are missing out on great opportunities to create physical intimacy in your relationship!
So, if you’re struggling in your own relationship and want to reignite that sexual intimacy don’t be afraid to ask for help. A relationship with both emotional and physical intimacy is beyond amazing and worth the work it takes to get there.
As always, I want to hear from you! I want to know what your journey through connection and love is like and how you’re applying these tools in your relationship.
Send me an email, firstname.lastname@example.org, give me a call, 916.955.3200 or comment below.
I can’t wait to hear from you.