Repair It Or You're Doomed To Repeat It.
It’s really common for couples to come to relationship therapy in my Sacramento office complaining of a problem that keeps coming up, no matter how much time has passed with no solution in sight.
No matter how much they’ve tried to move past it, bury it or avoid it, the same problem keeps plaguing their relationship. As the couple gets more candid they begin to realize that despite wanting to leave the problem in the past, they’ve never really worked to repair it.
And in love, we truly are doomed to repeat problems that aren’t repaired.
Now I get it. I’m married too you know. And sometimes the last thing I want to do is repair conflict in my own relationship. It’s uncomfortable, it’s emotionally draining and it’s just plan hard work.
Honestly, sometimes it sounds much more enticing to just bury the issue rather than work to repair. But if experience has taught me anything, I know that burying it is just another way to repeat over and over again in our relationship.
And one really important thing we know for certain in relationships is, it’s not whether you have issues in your relationship (sorry folks, that’s a given), it’s the quality in which you repair those issues.
So how do you know if you’re really repairing it or just pushing it to the side?
Here’s a quick checklist to find out.
1) When the issue comes up, do you get defensive or blame your partner?
2) When the issue comes up, do you start adding more and more to it so it becomes too big to even tackle? (We call this “kitchen sinking it” in the biz).
3) Do you find yourself getting angry at your mate and then shocked when they don’t know or understand why you’re so upset?
4) Does your mate bring up complaints that feel like they’re totaling out of left field?
5) When thinking about the issue do you feel alone and disconnected from your mate?
If you answered “yes” to 1 or more of these questions, there’s a high likelihood that you’re in fact burying or avoiding the issue rather than working to repair it.
If the checklist above has you thinking or you’re realizing you’re in a pattern of repeating and not repairing, I really encourage you to reach out for support. Don’t spend another day repeating what really needs to be repaired.
As always, I want to know what your journey in love and connection is like. That’s why I do this work. Send me an email, firstname.lastname@example.org or give me a call, 916.955.3200.