Who’s Not Being Heard The Most

Who’s Not Being Heard The Most

Have you ever had one of those arguments that is going absolutely no where, but God help you if you’re actually able to step out of it?  You know the ones, when about half way through you lose track of what you’re even arguing about?  Yes friends…I’ve been there too.

It’s honestly like the argument evolves into a “who’s not being heard the most” debate and it’s toxic.  Because as far as I know restating your point with more examples, louder voices and greater repetition never got anyone anywhere.

You see we really really need to be heard in love.  Being heard allows us to feel seen, valued, important.  And the less we’re heard, the more that need grows. 

So how do we get out of this cycle. How do we stop fighting about whether or not we’re being heard and actually start being heard?

Let’s break it down: 

1)    You can’t expect to be heard if you’re not willing to do so also.  Often times in love we have to leap first to show our mate that it’s safe to leap too.  If you’re desperately needing to be heard, try practicing being still and just listening.

2)   Take a breath.  As noted above, repeating, raising your voice, or giving more and more examples of your point does NOT help you to be heard.  Slowing down and allowing silence when we talk actually allows us to be heard more.

3)   Avoid the blame game. Just like kids on the playground or your defiant teen, the more you demand the more your mate digs in their heals.  If you demand to be heard and blame your partner for never listening to you….I can sadly guarantee it will not change. 

4)   Validate, validate, validate.  The more we let our mates know that we hear them, the more likely they will begin to listen to us.  Validating when we want to be heard isn’t easy, but the positive results are amazing.

Remember we have to be heard in our relationships, it’s a foundational need.  It’s help us feel seen, to feel important, to feel valued.  Work at these steps one at a time and I know you’ll be able to start to turn it around. 

But if turning it around feels too big, then reach out for support!  Don’t keep beating your head against the wall if support is out there.  That’s why we couples therapist’s do the work that we do.   

As always, I want to know what your journey in love and connection is like.   That’s why I do this work.  Send me an email, anna@myhappycouple.com or give me a call, 916.955.3200. 

Yours,

 A