The Gap Between Our Ideal Marriage And Our Actual Marriage.
Social media is a phenomenon that I find endlessly fascinating. It’s amazing the “version” of your friend’s relationship you can buy into if you’re only going off their Instagram pics. It can create this growing pressure to put out your own polished version of love and while also rattling your confidence in your real relationship.
You see, when you look around, people are usually sharing examples of ideal relationships, not what they really look like behind closed doors. Whether it’s social media, movies or your own internal expectations, there can often be a gap between your ideal marriage and your actual one.
And quite honestly, we’re all human and far from perfect. We screw up. We make mistakes. We don’t always show up perfectly in love. And we’re not all ideal in love.
But how do you handle the gap between your ideal relationship and your actual one? And what happens if your gap is larger than you’re comfortable with?
Well let’s start with the first one. How do you handle the gap between your ideal marriage and the actual one you’re living in?
The answer is that you need to work backwards. What I mean by that is you need to determine the aspects of what an ideal marriage looks like.
For example, if you had an ideal relationship, what would be different? Would you spend more time together, would you communicate better?
And, what would the outcome of having that relationship be? Would you be more confident? Would you be more honest?
In answering this honestly, you can identify what, if any, aspects of an ideal relationship you want to work towards. Often times when couples do this exercise, they realize that the aspects of an ideal relationship are actually aspects that they don’t want in their own. They don’t want to be each other’s one and only support system because they realize the value of having a diverse support group. They don’t want to spend every waking moment as a couple because they realize the value of their independent interests.
So answer this question honestly and identify not only the aspects of your ideal relationship that actually don’t work for you in reality, but also identify the aspects you want to work towards.
Next, turn those aspects into action items. Want to spend more time as a couple? Schedule a weekly date night (or date in). Want to have better communication? Practice distraction free conversations. Want to have more sex? Practice talking about your likes and desires.
You get the picture. Make these into action items and you’ll begin to close the gap between ideal and actual.
Now for the second part of this question. What happens if the gap between ideal and actual is larger than you’re comfortable with?
The short answer is get to work. Whether it’s reading a relationship book together (reach out, I’ve got some great recommendations), attending a couple’s workshop or reaching out to a couple’s therapist, do something.
Identifying the gap between ideal and actual can be really overwhelming and scary. But it also means you have a starting point. Identifying that the gap is larger than you’re comfortable with means you’re ready to start the work to narrowing it.
Please use this link to reach out so we can talk more about how to narrow that gap and make your actual match your ideal.
Because I really do want to know what your journey in love and connection is like. It’s why I do this work. Send me an email, firstname.lastname@example.org or give me a call, 916.955.3200.